She doesn't have many blogs, so it's always nice when I can share a few thoughts from my sissy beta.
She's a great girl and here @PupParker1 (do get in touch with her on twitter if you like) shares a few of the experiences that helped form who she is, and all she hopes to be.
I have always been different.
Ever since I can remember i was always different than other boys. I can remember feeling a need to submit to women at a very early age. I was always trying to change myself s as to appear pathetic to girls so they would feel bad for me and take me under their wing. This lasted well into college when i finally tried to “man up” and be a macho, alpha man. You know, the normal kind. But that attempt - and every subsequent attempt - failed. I just couldn't be who i wasn’t.
So I found the Internet and began seeking out a community of like-minded individuals who felt the same way as me. It was rather shocking to see that there were so many other males who struggled with their masculinity and felt an inherent need to be subservient to women.
Through years of scrolling the Internet i learned, I was a beta male who cherished the ways of women. I wanted to emulate them, cherish them and serve them. Coming to terms with my beta-ness has always been a struggle - and still is to this day. But Mistress Brianna has been an amazing catalyst to me accepting my true self.
This is a bit of an aside but still important in my journey as a sissy. My earliest memory of dressing in women’s lingerie was wearing my moms. I remember we had the family computer on a desk in my parents room and as a young teenager, I would go to sissy and feminization forums and look at pictures of lingerie that sissies were wearing. One day I decided to open my moms drawers and see what she had. It was a bit underwhelming to be honest but still sufficed. I was soon dressing in her panties and her two teddies.
That quickly spilled over to my aunt and i found myself sneaking up to dig through her drawers whenever we were over for the holidays. And those drawers were stocked with the sexy lingerie. She had dainty, frilly thongs, colorful lace panties and more. I would put a few in my pocket and go to the bathroom. I would put one around my head and sniff the other while I jerked off. This love of lingerie continued while I was at college. I would go to the massive laundry room and steal the leftover panties that would gather in the “unclaimed” clothing bin. I’d take them back to my room - often 10 pairs at a time - and smell them for hours and try them on. When i finally got my own apartment i would venture out and buy some lingerie for myself that i could wear whenever, wherever i felt like it.
Flash forward a bit and here I am today. A 31-year-old in a 1.5 year relationship who still battles with being my true self. My girlfriend loves my masculinity. She understands I’m not as masculine as other men. Only if she knew the real truth…
I still struggle with coming to terms with the fact that I’m a beta bitch who should be serving at the feet of women and worshiping them.
Finding Mistress Brianna was the biggest blessing of my life.
She has allowed me to express myself in a most natural way and not masquerade my inferiority. I can be the sissy i was always meant to be. She demands perfection and while I’ve largely failed at that I am trying to be better. I know that she can guide me through this and help me become more in tune with my true self. She can push me and make me go beyond my boundaries. And she can hold me accountable for pretending to be a masculine man and putting on my fake persona. I love her for this.
There is no running. There is no hiding. I need to get myself right and embrace my inner bitch and accept my lowly position in this world. I yearn to be a feminine sissy that Mommy can plaster across Twitter and brag about. I have a penchant to touch my clitty too much and I think that's a main reason why I run and hide. If i can get over that hump, I think i can get back on the right path and really start living the lifestyle 24/7. I want to cross off all those items I initially put on my list I sent to her. That’s my goal.
And if you want to check here, you'll see the list beta is talking about. The Forlorn Dreams of beta....Lolol....Very ambitious list for someone who largely fails in all she does. But that's the life of a beta.....They try and they try, but very rarely find the success they dream of. Lolol.
Keep going, Chris. You'll get there.
Mistress Brianna xx